Most couples or individual who contemplate becoming parents do so by imaging a pregnancy and birth experience. They are willing to pursue many physically and emotionally difficult routes to achieving this goal. They carefully research clinics and hospital programs and all sorts of “high tech” methods to achieve a pregnancy. They ride an intense roller coaster of ups and downs along the way, and become very focused on “their numbers” (usually referring to various hormonal levels). They live from month to month, often with little more than a 20% chance of achieving a successful pregnancy.
As they get bad news, someone along the way tentatively suggests that they consider adoption. At first they do not want to even think about it, or maybe one spouse is receptive to the idea, but the other is not. However, the idea does germinate, as they realize it is unlikely that they will get pregnant. After all, adoption does eventually have a 100% success rate if they “hang in there for the ride.” Perhaps they meet someone who has adopted, and see how beautiful the baby is (and the fact that the child actually has ten toes!)
So the couple tentatively starts to attend orientation meetings and open houses at different agencies to learn more about the adoption process. They hopefully also begin to read, maybe attend conferences, and talk to many people. And finally they submit their application to one agency, and make a decision which will lead to a life-long process. First, there is the issue of getting the baby. Then there is the issue of talking to the world and their families and friends about the adoption. And most important, there is talking to their child in a way that enhances their self esteem and helps them to understand the many different facets of adoption and why a plan was made.
None of this is easy. It involves a lot of emotional fortitude and flexibility. It involves education. It involves teaching others. It involves researching many different options (should I do parent identified adoption, agency identified, international, same or different race, open or closed?) It involves being an informed consumer about the different approaches agencies use. The Boston area has a variety of agencies, giving couples many options and choices in the way that they achieve parenthood. Be sure to ask questions and get good answers, so you can make an informed decision about what is best for your family. Get ready to begin an exciting and wonderful journey, perhaps different than what you expected when you imagined parenthood, but nonetheless, every bit as exciting and fulfilling. The good news is that your experiences of loss and surviving infertility will only help make you a better adoptive advocate and parent in the end.