Ok, so we have just completed our long arduous journey on the roller coaster of infertility treatment. It has not been easy. We have had many ups and downs, excitement, near-misses and great disappointment. Finally, we have been able to declare "enough is enough!" and explore our other option, "plan B" for creating our family. We considered donor egg and donor sperm, maybe even attempted to achieve a pregnancy with these options, but decided this too did not seem right for us. So here we are at the brink of an entire new option: Adoption. At first this seemed quite exciting, but then we were told that we would have to be open to the idea of meeting, and maybe even really getting to know the baby’s birth parents. This seems like one more "life is not fair" choice we are being given. Why?

It is helpful to understand more about what open adoption is and is not. Most people have come to feel that the more they "get it" the more comfortable they are with the option, and actually embrace it as the right way to "do an adoption." This article will explore the spectrum of openness, and discuss what is in it for you, for the baby’s birth parents, and most importantly, for the baby him/herself.

First of all, openness is not the same in all cases. What it implies is that birth parents get to choose the parent of their baby, usually from reading profiles, reading letters, and examining photo albums describing the life the child will lead with their adoptive family. This gives the birth parents some degree of control in what happens to the baby they have nurtured for the first nine months of life. It also gives them peace of mind in understanding some of the values of the people who the baby will be raised with.

In Massachusetts, most agencies practice a degree of semi-open adoption. In this case, there are meetings before the birth and at the time of placement, but the birth parent does not continue to stay in face-to-face touch with the family after the time of placement. Instead, they write letters and send pictures back and forth through the agency. Some people believe that these are painful for birth parents, but in actuality, most birth parents say they reinforce the idea that they have made a good choice for their child; after all, look how healthy and happy s/he appears.

Sometimes the birth parents and adoptive parents bond when they meet, and realize that they all share a love of the child, and in addition, they like each other as people. In these cases, they may decide to create a schedule of visits the birth parents make to the adoptive family. These plans do get modified as people move on with their lives, but they serve as a starting point for the future. It is important to note that open adoption is not just "glorified" baby sitting or foster care.
In these cases, the guiding principle must be "what is in the best interest of the child?" not the adults in the situation. As the child gets older, how do they react to these two sets of parents? Ongoing contact works best when all adults are mature and able to consider this question as being more important than their own needs. This includes being aware of the impact of visits not only on the child, but on his/ her other siblings, whether adopted or not. Parents need to monitor this, and also everyone needs to be clear about the boundaries and expectations they have. But when children have access to these important adults, they realize that they were not "given away" or "unlovable," but that circumstances were not right at the time for their birth parents to raise them. They get to see who they look like, and they get to have their questions answered in an age appropriate manner as they are growing up.

There are some "experts" who advocate that openness is best no matter what. We at Adoption Associates feel that every situation is unique, and "one size does not fit all." Circumstances for each adoption need to be looked at individually before an automatic decision is reached to open an adoption. What was the birth parent promised at the time of placement? What does s/he want now? Is the child mature enough to handle whatever information s/he might learn, even if it is negative or a "difficult" story? These questions must be examined before making a decision on what to do. Remember, meeting the child’s needs is more important at this time than meeting the adults’ needs. That said, of course, we support the premise that all people who were adopted should have equal access to their birth certificates, so that eventually they will have full information on their origins.

We at Adoption Associates would welcome talking with you about your specific adoption concerns. Please call us at (617) 965-9369 or contact us on line at www.adoptionassociates.org.

Debbie Olshever, M.Ed., LCSW, LMHC
Sandra Orenstein, MSW, LICSW
Toby Zaitchik, M.Ed., LMHC, Art Therapist