Either you have been trying to decide about whether to adopt a child, or you have spent years trying to get pregnant. You have gone through sole searching and a lengthy home study process, and have finally begun the business of starting your family. Your adorable and precious child is in preschool, elementary school, or even high school, and it appears as though their learning style, ability to comprehend, or behavior, is different from the others in their classroom. Sure they are writing some letters backwards - don’t they all at that age? Well of course they can’t understand the whole story - wasn’t it too difficult? Why does it seem that their behavior is often disruptive when they need to focus and concentrate on their work?

It can be hard to see and/or accept that your much awaited for child has a learning disability. Not only do they have to accept it, but so do you. As in all aspects of their life, especially when they are young, you need to understand as completely as you can, the nature of their learning difficulties in order to best help your child. You will be their coach, cheerleader, advocate, and more.

What does this all mean? Parents need to go through a process of accepting that their child, along with being adopted, now has a learning disability which may impact their self esteem. Your child’s view of themselves is so vulnerable to what they think of themselves, and how they think others see them. What is critical is how YOU feel about your child’s mind working differently. Do you know other people, perhaps even members of your own extended family, who are "different" in some way? How do you feel about them? This may give you some feedback as to how you think about difference - learning disabilities in particular. Consider this as an opportunity for you to explore your thoughts and feelings about "difference".

The process of acceptance is similar to a loss. The loss is of your dream of your "perfect child", even though you know there is no such thing as a perfect child. It is typical to experience some denial at first. It may look like: "he is too young to know that", or "she is lazy and I know if she puts her mind to it she can do it." Sometimes a parent gets angry - with their child, with the adoption agency, with the teacher - although it is no ones "fault". Anger that your child has to deal with a learning disability, anger at a system that does not adapt well for children with learning disabilities, are appropriate reasons to get angry. The question to ask yourself at this time is, "Is my anger appropriate in both where it is directed, and in its intensity?" As parents we can feel overwhelmed and confused. This is normal. Once you have gathered as much information as you can, you will be ready to go about the business of getting a plan to address your child’s individual and unique needs.

Sometimes a parent(s) can be helped by unbiased support and feedback from a professional who can work with them towards developing the best plan for their child. I always suggest an adoption sensitive professional, since both the adoption and the learning disability may need to be addressed. Parenting is hard work. It demands the most from us as individuals. Being clear about your own feelings will be a help to your child being the best that they can be. Remember, you don’t have to do it alone. There are counselors and groups who can help you and your family.

Sandy Orenstein, LICSW of Adoption Associates, (617) 965-9369, adoptionassociates@yahoo.com or www.adoptionassociates.org