The term "gestational carrier" brings to mind a "brave new world" of reproductive possibilities. If you struggle with infertility, you now have more options than ever to choose from as part of your resolution process, and how do you go about making this choice? Do you want a genetic connection to the child? What does it mean if only one of you shares this biological connection? Does this impact the relationship later in life when the child is an adolescent? How do you tell your child? What do you say to other adults in your life? So many things to think about and decide, and you still are not yet a parent.

First, a definition of terms: A surrogate mother is a woman who carries your baby for you in her womb. This baby is usually a result of impregnation with your husband’s sperm and her egg, or sometimes a donor egg, or perhaps even a donor egg and donor sperm. These all have different ramifications legally, as well as medically and emotionally, and the expectations need to be clearly defined in a contract – not a very romantic concept of creating a child, but still quite necessary.

Gestational carriers are "rent a wombs," in that they are the women who grow and nurture a baby for nine months, a baby that is genetically a result of another couple’s gametes, both sperm and egg. How do I choose this woman? How do I know that she is sincere in her motives and clear in her desire to help (and be paid) despite the emotional issues of connection she may feel?

How do I choose a fertility clinic to help? How do I know my lawyer has written the best contract? Who do I trust? And who do I tell? This can feel overwhelming and frightening, but with a good well-thought out plan, none of this is insurmountable, and it will enable you to have a child.

This contrasts with the old fashioned/ very modern medical treatment you can receive yourself. Do I seek Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), including the alphabet soup of IUI, IVF, GIFT, ICSI, zonal penetration, etc? When do I stop?

And Adoption… what does it mean to raise "someone else’s" child? What does it feel like to meet birth parents? What if I don’t like them, or they don’t like me? And more, what if I don’t immediately fall in love with my new child? What if s/he doesn’t look like me, or share my interests and talents? Does this mean I am a "bad parent?" And the practical questions: "How do I choose an adoption agency to work with?" "Do I choose international or domestic adoption? What does open adoption feel like?" The questions just keep on coming!

Once I make my decision, I then need to learn how to talk with my child about the way in which s/he joined the family. How honest do I need to be? What about what others in the community may say to my child? How does this affect the basic trust we try to build within the family?

I just wanted to raise a child, why does this have to be so hard? Is my infertility telling me I am not the right person to be a parent? Who do I listen to, when so many people just don’t understand what I am going through?

There are some excellent resources available. Adoption Associates is an experienced and caring group of professional counselors who can help you with all these difficult and life changing decisions, in a safe and warm environment. They will hear what these issues mean to you, and help you make appropriate choices that meet your needs. You can have them available to you as a "sounding board" that understands, and they will help you with your decision making process, even while maintaining the integrity of your marital relationship, which may be going through stress as a result of these issues.

Deb Olshever
Modified November 17, 2003