Adoption weaves itself through the different developmental stages from childhood into adulthood. As professionals we need to know whether a child is working through an age appropriate task or an adoption related one. In this article we will identify some of these adoption related tasks, what they look like, what behaviors might be seen, and why counseling might be needed.  Awareness of the developmental process of adoption is a major reason why use of adoption sensitive therapists can be helpful to adoptive families.

The early years of pre-school are the start of a process of learning about adoption that will continue to develop over a lifetime. Children this age should not be bombarded with information as there is plenty of time for them to gradually understand who they are and where they came from. This is just the beginning. When pre-school age children see their friend’s mother pregnant, they first learn that they did not grow in their mother’s tummy. Pre-schoolers are confused about the meaning of adoption and therefore can easily distort information. They are concrete thinkers whose “magical thinking” makes it difficult for them to understand the concepts of adoption. At this age the child might become aware of obvious and noticeable physical differences within their families, for example, in trans-racial adoptions. The earlier a family starts to integrate their child’s cultural, ethnic, and racial identity into their lives, the better.

Upon entering elementary school, children are old enough to begin to understand the difference between a birth family and adoptive family. As their identity is forming, it is important to communicate about their birth parents in a positive way - to set the stage for talking about an adoption plan that was made because they were cared about. As they go through their elementary school years, children who previously felt secure in their adoptive families begin to realize that being adopted also means loss.  On some level, they may worry that they could also lose their adoptive parents.  They go from security into turmoil, and mourn the loss of their birth families, a gradual and confusing process.  An adoption therapist, especially one who uses creative arts and play, can often help children and their parents as they work through their grief.

From pre-school through elementary school (latency) age, acting out and challenging behaviors may appear in the form of tantrums, control struggles, withdrawal, anxious or clinging behavior, which may be related to the adoption experience. A loss of self esteem or confidence, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, or even self blame may occur as children try to make sense out of their world. On some level they are trying to understand why they were “given up” for adoption - trying to figure out if there was something that they did, or didn’t do, to cause what they perceive as rejection or abandonment by their birth parents. Who are their birth parents anyway? Maybe they were “bad people”, or did something “bad”.

Even at these early years, children grieve the loss of their birth family, and this loss takes its form in a myriad of ways and shapes. The kinds of issues and behaviors one sees at this time are impacted by differences in the make-up of any part of the adoption triad (adoptive parent, birth parent and child).  For example, the age at which the child was adopted, a cultural or ethnic difference, medical or mental health issues, or different learning styles, can complicate the issue further.  Parents often need support, information and help to become sensitive to the needs and feelings of their adopted children.  Parents may also need support, education or validation by an adoption professional to become effective advocates for their children.  They may want to help teachers understand that not all families were built in the same way, and that projects such as creating family trees bring up feelings for adopted children.

Children who have always known they were adopted often start to have different feelings as they become adolescents. They are now capable of having abstract thoughts, and understand that along with gain, they have loss in their life too. They wonder where they get their skills, abilities and general aptitudes from, and who they look like.  Adolescents are involved in intensive self-reflection, and are often “super-sensitive” and aware of how others see them. Their major task is to become self confident and thus become independent, functioning adults.

Adolescence is a time that behavior is in transition, and not fixed. It is important to remember that what one sees today may be different tomorrow. It is the time of questioning everything about the world, their parents’ views, and developing their own. The adolescent may “try on” and choose different role models with whom to identify. They often express a reaction to loss by rebelling against parental standards.  Teens may act out the behaviors they think reflect the values of their birth parents, as they test out different parts of themselves. This is a common way of trying to connect with their birth families, regardless of what is actually known about them. (What if they view the birth parent as promiscuous, or as poor, or as depressed)? They also may not want to hurt their adoptive parents by asking too many questions, or alternatively, they may be angrily blaming them for the adoption and lashing out while romanticizing their birth parents. Thus, there is often another layer of conflict in the adoptive family during adolescence that can be hard to differentiate from the usual adolescent conflicts. One may see rebellion over values and lifestyle choices. Parents and teens become angry and frustrated, and a split can occur, which is best addressed in a therapeutic relationship. It can also be helpful for teens and their parents to connect with others who are going through similar feelings, to feel less alone, and to have an understanding peer group as they explore these feelings in a safe environment.  Open communication can smooth the process of growth.

As the adolescent grows into adulthood, feelings and questions about their adoption still percolate. Leaving home can stimulate feelings, and sometimes memories, of other good-byes, for example, leaving birth families, foster families, or orphanages. The quest of finding the answer to that age old question “who am I” may be of particular importance to some young adult adoptees. This quest may propel some to search and find their birth parent(s). This is particularly true once the adoptive parents have died. For others, they have differentiated enough from their peer group, that they now feel freed up to explore their native culture, something that was only a piece of information they had gotten from their adoptive parents. Reuniting with birth families is an emotionally charged experience. Often, a few meetings with an adoption sensitive professional can help prepare them for the various possibilities of that reunion.

In summary, adoption issues are reflected in all stages of life.  Family dynamics are an important part of one’s good feelings and positive self-esteem. Communication, honesty and openness are just a few key ingredients to weaving the strong and healthy fabric of any individual’s life. We believe in fostering those values at every developmental stage.

If you are interested and would like to participate in one of our groups, please contact Adoption Associates at 617-965-9369 or www.adoptionassociates@yahoo.com.